I'm good at the technical aspect of my job, but building a company is an entirely different animal. I've proved I can run a micro-business, to the extent that I can get work done, pay my people, pay vendors, and survive. However, taking a company to the next level is an entirely different task, one that requires a skill set I don't currently possess. I could go back to school, but at what cost? Also, over the last few years, my interests have changed. Even if I decided to go back to school, it would probably be for something new. I've become increasingly enamored with capital markets. I've dabbled for years in the investing game, learned a lot, but never had the time to give it a full try and gain experience. I currently trade stocks between fabrication jobs.
Lately, my life has led me down a path of self-reflection, curiosity, educating myself, and adapting those learnings to the markets. I like learning about business, and I like running a business; I'm not so sure if I want to build a business, though. Or, perhaps, I want to create a business in a different industry than the one I currently inhabit. Confusion abounds.
Maybe it's about finding a balance between the two?
I was already headed down this thought path before the virus took hold; it's only magnified since the world has closed, and the panic began. How will the business environment look in 6 months? A year? Five years? Will I even have a business? Everything going on in the world has led me to a shadowy place. Not dark, but dimming daily. I've been here before, in this darkness, and have many healthy methods to cope. I thank 5+ years of therapy, the self-reflection I mentioned above, and keeping a personal journal. Lately, like when I started this blog, talked about in previous posts, I've wanted to put more thoughts out into the world, but my fears have kept me from thoroughly engaging.
Writing about myself is secure and safe. Putting original ideas into the world is terrifying, especially when you don't have a high opinion of yourself or your thoughts in the first place. I may have many ways to cope with the demons, but that doesn't mean they don't exist daily, looking to bring me down at every turn. It's part of the reason it's been difficult for me to break free of the need to control everything and take a leap to build a business, any business, by giving in and delegating. The company I currently run is not what it could be, and that's on me. Perhaps it's not what I want. I've been fabricating sheet metal since I was 19 years old, 23 or so years, and counting. I haven't done anything else in my life, but I'm having thoughts like I want to try something different. I'm very good at what I do, but it's not enough anymore to keep me motivated. I'm 42, is it time for a new challenge?
So what does all this mean? I have no idea. I guess it's all just an experiment at this point. For now, I'm going to run my company, learn, invest, and write about it here from time to time. I'm going to bet it will be more market commentary and what I'm doing in the financial markets than sheet metal commentary, although I may surprise myself.
Thanks for reading!